Well, I am going to try to share what God has been doing in my heart during this 32nd month waiting on our sweet daughter. I hope I can convey it in the right way, so that ya'll can understand.
About 3 weeks ago, I came to a "breaking point" emotionally. I simply realized that I could not go on like this anymore. I recognized that we may very well have several more months of waiting ahead of us, and I would have to "take a step back emotionally" in the wait from this point on.
This does not at all mean that I don't still love our Caroline and want her home soon. Believe me, I want it. I want her. Big time. This does not at all mean that I don't believe that God could do the impossible and our phone could ring today. I believe that He can do anything. This does not at all mean that I am not praying for our daughter. I am praying constantly. I even have 2 alarms set on my phone that go off every single day at 8:38 am and 8:38 pm to pray for our Caroline and Ethiopia (because of Ethiopia's latitude and longitude at 8 and 38, we have a group of fellow waiting mamas all praying at these times daily).
This "taking a step back emotionally" just means that I am going to try my best each and every day to live fully engaged in the waiting journey...even ENJOY the journey (dare I say that?). :) God has us waiting for a reason. As long as we are waiting, there is purpose in it. I believe in God's sovereignty over all things...and this includes our journey to Caroline Faith. Every single minute of every single day of every single month of every single year we have waited since the spring of 2010 has been under His control and according to His divine plan.
This "taking a step back emotionally" means that I will not live anymore with my cell phone glued to my side. I will not freak out (hopefully!) every time it rings. I will not plan my day around getting "the call" or say no to doing things, "just in case we get the call". I am going to try to not cry every day. Notice I said try! Let's not push it here, ya'll. ;) I will not sit around feeling sorry for myself about how long we have waited. The pity parties are over.
This "taking a step back emotionally" means that I am going to try my best (with God's help!) to live fully engaged and fully joyful with the three of our four children who are home with us now. They need me. I am going to live fully engaged in life with my amazing husband. He needs me. God has been so gracious to grow our marriage even more in the wait. I am going to live fully engaged and fully in love with my Savior. I want to honor and glorify Him alone in the wait. I want to live life to the fullest everyday for Him, and do what He is calling me to do.
In Him is life, and He is enough.
The Lord continues to show us His love and His grace. And I know that He has not forgotten us. Just this week at just the right time (more details to come later), Jody and I got this text from a friend...
"Hey guys. I feel like God just told me to send ya'll a text saying that the wait for Caroline Faith will be worth it. Not sure where things stand but I feel like He wanted me to pass that along to you."
Tears are flowing now, ya'll. I told ya'll I would "try" not to cry, remember? :)
I can't wait to share more details on the timeliness of that text because it is unbelievable. Only God! ONLY GOD! He is so good, and He does not forget His children! He is faithful. Always faithful.
My tears are because of His goodness and graciousness to us on this adoption journey.
"Therefore, let everyone who is godly pray to You in a time when You may be found;
Surely in a flood of great waters they will not reach him.
You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of deliverance."